


Here's to Us

by LadyFogg



Series: Angel with a Shotgun [8]
Category: Constantine (TV)
Genre: Commitment, Confessions, F/M, Feelings, Feels, Fluff, Language, Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:58:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4989352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyFogg/pseuds/LadyFogg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John struggles to recover from his encounter with the Jinn while you struggle to get a handle on the new state of your relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here's to Us

**Author's Note:**

> Fic Song: https://play.spotify.com/track/3wfLVyu732UjOAQbGlZSPw

You make John a large stack of pancakes and he practically inhales them.

You aren’t hungry yourself. Instead you nurse your drink as John recounts the events the Jinn had him witness. You’re glad you’re not hungry, because you probably wouldn’t have been able to eat if you tried.

The more John goes on, the quieter you become as you process the information. You can tell it is making him uncomfortable to talk about, but he does it anyways. Though you’re not entirely sure why. Maybe he’s too tired to keep it to himself. Or maybe he’s trying to keep the memory fresh. Of course the outlandish alternative is that he actually wants to share the information with you. Either way you let him continue without interruption, even though a million questions race through your mind.

Once he eventually finishes his story however, you find yourself at a loss for words.

You both sit at the table in silence. You stare at the empty spot in front of you, not really sure how to react or even what to say. Does he want you to say something? It’s hard to tell. Sometimes you wish the connection allowed you to read his mind, other times you’re grateful he can’t read yours. Though at the moment it’s a complete blank slate.

John’s not looking at you. He’s leaning his head back, eyes closed as he holds a cigarette between his lips. If you didn’t know any better you’d think he was asleep.

But he’s not.

“So…” you finally say, finding your voice. “Five kids, huh?” You curse yourself on the fact that that’s the one thing you manage to think of saying. You glance his way.

John sighs heavily before he lifts his head and opens his eyes to meet yours. “The Jinn was trying to keep me distracted,” he mumbles around the cigarette. He takes it out and exhales smoke before continuing. “It used the children to keep me focused on something else.”

“I get that,” you say. “But...don’t Jinn typically show you what you want to see in order to lure you in? That’s where the whole genies granting wishes thing comes from, right?”

John looks like this is the last conversation he wants to be having at the moment. And you can sense from him that that’s exactly the case. “Look, Lola,” he says, running his hand across his face as he extinguishes his cigarette in the ashtray. “I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know what it all means. I don’t know if it’s something I want or something the Jinn led me to believe I want. I do know, I’m bloody knackered.”

It’s true. You can feel it. You can also see him struggling to keep his eyes open. Now that he’s eaten he’s ready to pass out for a few hours and you don’t blame him. “Come on,” you say with a sigh as you get to your feet. “Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed.”

John looks grateful at the prospect. He slings his arm around your shoulders as you help him out of his chair. “Any chance Johnny will get a little something tonight for his efforts?” he asks with a cheeky smile.

You laugh as he struggles to walk. “You can barely move and yet you’re still thinking with your dick,” you tell him, leading him in the direction of his room. “I’d be annoyed if I didn’t admire your tenacity.”

“Well, I don’t need to move my whole body for my cock to get what it wants,” John says. “So long as my partner is willing to do a little bit of the work. I’ll probably need some help in the shower. Care to join me?”

“Dude, you’re really fucking pushing your luck,” you tell him. “After what you put me through?” You’re not going to just forget about the fact that he knowingly put himself in danger in order to teach you a lesson. In fact, you’re already thinking of ways to get back at him for it.

“Come on, Lola,” John purrs in your ear. It has the desired effect. Your body shudders as his hot breath tickles your skin. Damn him.

“Ugh, fine, I’ll shower with you,” you tell him. “But only because I like seeing you naked. No guarantees on the fooling around, though.”

“Considering the two times we’ve showered together ended pleasurably, I’m hopeful,” John says.

It’s a slow process but you manage to help him into his room. Once there, he kicks out of his shoes as you help him out of the rest of his clothes. By that point he’s moving a little better. His movements aren’t as jerky and he doesn’t need your support to stand. So you leave his side to get his bathroom prepped.

He doesn’t have a tub, just a shower. Luckily there’s a seat so he won’t have to stand the entire time if he gets too tired. After testing the water, you close the shower door and turn to find John in the bathroom doorway, watching you with a sad smile.

“You okay?” you ask, even though you know he’s not.

He’s not okay, because you weren’t okay when you had a taste a peace only for it to be ripped away. As much as it pains you to admit it, you’re glad he went through what he did. Now he knows exactly how you felt being torn from heaven.

“I’ll be just fine,” he says, though he looks past you as if he’s not really seeing you. You know that look. He’s thinking about them. Your children. Well, hypothetical, what-if, children.

You move to stand in front of him. “What were they like?” you ask, tentatively. Mostly for your own selfish curiosity.  

John doesn’t seem to mind the question. In hindsight he probably expected it sooner. He chuckles. “Beautiful,” he says, meeting your gaze. “Like their mother.”

You smirk and fight the blush you can feel coming. He never makes you blush. Actually, you haven’t blushed in a long time. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” you tell him. He doesn’t argue. You help him into the shower and he immediately sinks onto the seat, letting the water wash over him while you close the door.

You take a moment for yourself and breathe deeply. This relationship with John is still new in terms of the commitment side of things. Well, as committed as the two of you could get. However, now both of you have seen a future with the other’s child. His was different of course, a cruel trick from a monster looking to feed on him. But still, the monster had to have something to build on.

You know you’ll just drive yourself crazy so you push the questions away and strip down. You need to focus on the now. On helping John get better. One thing at a time.

When you slip into the shower, John is already waiting for you. He smirks and beckons you forward. You move to sit on his lap, his arms coming around your waist to keep you from sliding off. He’s already soaking wet and you’re almost there yourself as the water continues to wash over both of you. He closes his eyes and buries his face in between your tits. “Mmm, home.”

You chuckle. “Yes, you’re home,” you say. “Chas and I were fucking terrified. Never been stabbed before either. Fuck that noise. Let’s not do that again.”

“I’ll try to remember that,” John says. You let your hand run down his torso to trace the new scar. That’s the thing you both learned about your healing power. Sure, it works. But the scars remain, at least for any deep cuts. Your leg still has the marks left from the werewolf, and both of you have scars on your palms from the ritual.

“This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to be all gung ho about impregnating me, does it?” you can’t help but blurt out.

“Bloody hell, Lola.”

“What? I have to ask! Because if you are, my uterus will have something to say about that.”

“No! No this doesn’t mean I want to get you pregnant!” John says. “Rest assured I have no plans to jump into the role of Daddy Constantine again.”

“Okay, good,” you say. “Glad we’re still on same page.”

“For once, yes, we are on the same page,” John says with a chuckle. “I will admit, love, I haven’t been in a relationship in quite some time. May be a bit rusty.”

“Well, first word of advice,” you say, tugging his hair so he can withdraw from your cleavage. “Don’t fucking get yourself kidnapped so your partner has to use your weird magical connection to track you down.”

“You’re no fun,” John comments.

“I am pleasant and delightful, you fuck!” That draws a quiet laugh out of John and it makes you smile as well. You reach over to grab the soap and the washcloth that’s hanging on the bar above it. You lather up the cloth and put the soap back. When you turn, you find John watching you again. “You make me nervous when you look at me like that,” you tell him.

“Like what?” John asks.

“I don’t know, and that’s what’s making me nervous,” you tell him. You pass the cloth across his chest and down his torso to scrub away the dried blood.

“There’s no need to be nervous,” John says, hand sliding up your wet thigh and squeezing tightly. He nuzzles his face in your neck before dragging his mouth to the spot where his initials are tattooed. He places a series of gentle kisses on the sensitive skin there and you hold back a whimper. You can feel a wave of affection wash over you. It’s not your own emotion. It’s his. You’ve felt affection from him before. But he’s never really shown it. Typically when he touches you, it’s an immediate lead up to sexy-fun times.

“You’ve never been this touchy-feely before,” you tell him. “I don’t know how to process it.”

“Probably residual from the Jinn,” John says as he draws his face away to look up at you. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Fuck no,” you tell him. “But it doesn’t matter that I want you to keep going. Clearly you’re not up for fooling around. I don’t want you to overdo it. I know how tired you are. Let’s just finish showering and get you into bed.”

You feel his mood shift suddenly and you know what’s coming before it happens. “The thing about that, love,” John coos, his hand slipping between your legs. “I have you naked and wet on my lap and it’s a tad bit distracting.” His thumb presses against your clit and your thighs immediately lock around his hand as a jolt of electricity shoots through you.

As much as your body is humming at his touch however, you know fooling around is a really stupid idea. “Baby, come on,” you say, relaxing your thighs so you can lay your hand over his wrist. “Not when you’re like this.”

John sighs and withdraws his hand. “Alright, love,” he says, patting your knee. “We’ll save it for later. Give me the washcloth.”

You hand it to him and get off his lap so he can finish washing himself while you wash yourself as well. You can feel his eyes on your back as you stand directly under the spray of the water. After a few moments, you hear him struggle to get to his feet before he steps under the shower with you and hugs you from behind. You feel him rest his forehead on your upper back.

“I feel like...after all of the absolute shit we’ve been through...there are words I should say…” he says carefully. “These words...are very specific and hold a lot of meaning…but I’m afraid once I say them it’ll make it real.”

“Saying them doesn’t suddenly make them real. They’re real if you say them or not,” you tell him. “Because you still feel them. And I think we’ve both proven time and time again that we clearly feel them. But, John...” You place your hands over his, which are resting on your hips. “Don’t say them. Not after what you went through. If you say what I think you’re going to say, right here and now, I won’t know if you’re saying it because you want to or because of what the Jinn put you through. So don’t say the words.”

John lets out a shaking breath and you can feel him purse his lips together for a moment before muttering. “Okay.”

You let him continue to hug you and he shifts to rest his chin on your shoulder. You can feel his apprehension and his nervousness. He’s wondering if your words have another meaning. If you’re just trying to let him down easy. You bite your lip as you think for a moment before drawing his arms around you in a tighter hug. “And for the record,” you say, craning your neck to look at him. “I do too.”

He doesn’t respond, but the way the smile crosses his face makes your heart skip a beat. You pull away while clearing your throat and just like that, the moment is over.

After John rinses himself off and you help him out of the shower, you realize your own body is going through the waves of exhaustion his is. It’s almost like he’s so drained it’s affecting you too and you find your eyes starting to droop as you towel off. John dries up before you do and he’s already crawling into bed by the time you return from hanging the towels in the bathroom. Normally you both would sleep in the dark, but as you reach for the switch, John mutters. “Leave it on.”

You do as he asks without question. He’s laying on his stomach in bed, completely naked with his face pressed against the pillow. You crawl up from the foot of the bed, letting your hands slide up his calves, to his thighs, over his pinchable ass (which you take a moment to admire and squeeze), up his back and to his shoulders. You massage them, feeling the tension in his body slowly release. He practically purrs at the touch.

You place a few wet kisses across his upper back. You feel him relax even more and eventually he mumbles, “Fancy a cuddle?”

You chuckle. John’s a cuddler. Not that he would ever, EVER, admit it out loud. But he is, a fact you learned during your stint as Johnny and Lola. You found it particularly endearing.

You pull up the comforter over both of you and spoon up behind him. He’s so tired he barely moves and doesn’t say anything else. You can feel how grateful he is however. You slide your arms around him and he snuggles into you a little before going still. Even though you’re also ready to pass out, you force yourself to stay awake a little longer, just to enjoy the moment and the fact that he’s back in your arms. But eventually, sleep overtakes you as well.

Hours later when you drag your eyes open, it’s because firm hands are drawing circles on your stomach. It seems you had switched positions at some point because now John is spooned up behind you, his face buried in your hair. You bask in the warmth, content to just lay there for a bit until you feel his cock pressed against your ass. He’s hard and you feel him twitch. You purposely stretch so you can press yourself into his erection.

“Plenty rested now, love,” he purrs in your ear, readjusting just enough to place himself between your legs. His cock slides smoothly against your cunt and you feel your magic and body instantly respond. You haven’t had sex since the night on the couch about two weeks ago, and with looking for small jobs to take care of and Chas being at the Mill House, there hasn’t been much time for fooling around. “And raring to go when you are.”

You’re already starting to grow wet and you smirk. “You really want to fuck me, don’t you, Constantine?”

He whimpers at this, hand squeezing your hip. “I know the feeling is mutual,” he says in your ear. He lightly nips the sensitive skin in front of him. “Be a good girl and roll onto your stomach.”

You do as he says, mainly because you're starting to get that pleasant ache between your legs that he seems to elicit.

His fingers find your wet heat as his mouth latches onto the back of your neck. You moan instantly, hips rising off the bed to meet his hand as he starts to carefully thrust his finger in and out of you. The pillow muffles your groan, which you know annoys John. He loves to hear you make noises for him. He slides his free hand into your hair and gently turns your head so your face isn’t buried in your pillow anymore.

“No one’s here, love,” he coos, lips brushing against your hot skin as he nudges your legs further apart. “No need to try to keep quiet. Be as loud as you can.”

You smirk. “Make me.”

He withdraws his hand with a growl before you feel the head of his cock pressing into you. His thrust is short and deep, making sure to bury himself completely in one stroke. You groan and lift your hips to match his movements. You’re still too groggy to block out the connection so you don’t even bother trying, letting yourself get consumed by him.

His teeth and lips dance along the shell of your ear as he pumps himself in and out of you, setting the rough pace and rhythm that you both are big fans of.

But something is off.

You’re not sure what exactly. It feels good. He’s hard and throbbing inside of you, and when he changes his angle just slightly, the head of his cock brushes against that magical spot. Your body moves along with him as if on autopilot, moans escaping from your lips each time he slams into you.

When John stops moving after only a few moments, you realize the off feeling is coming from him. “Bollocks,” he mutters.

“What is it?” you ask, slightly breathless.

“Just…” He can’t seem to finish his sentence. Almost as if he doesn’t know what’s wrong.

“Do you want to stop?” you offer. He might be more tired than he originally thought. You’re not going to expect him to keep going if it’s difficult for him.

“Bloody hell, no,” he growls, pressing into you with a particularly deep thrust. “I need…” He doesn’t finish his thought and you get the feeling he’s trying to find the right words.

“Tell me what you need, baby,” you purr, arching back into him with a soft moan.

He pulls out of you and the loss of him makes you feel so brutally empty. Especially since your body is aching for more. “On your back, love,” he urges.

You do as he says and as soon as you make eye contact with him, he’s on you again. This time his mouth comes down to yours, claiming it in a hungry, yet surprisingly gentle kiss. He settles himself between your spread legs, working his cock back into your still aching cunt. His pace is slow and careful, and you fully expect it to pick up after a few seconds.

It doesn’t.

His hands come to rest on either side of your head and he pushes himself up slightly so he can stare down at you while he fucks you. Still slow, still careful. You move your hips to match his thrust each time, your own hands sliding up his arms only to come to rest on his shoulders.

You don’t break eye contact.

You’ve never really watched John’s face when he’s inside of you. Usually you’re not in a position where you can actually see it, or it’s too dark to see. Other times you’re so consumed by own pleasure you shut your eyes and lose yourself in the sensation. But your eyes are open, and the light from the bathroom is bright enough that you can see his features.

John looks down at you with such adoration and rapture it surprises you.

He must see something he likes in your own expression because he gives you a lopsided smile before dropping to his elbows. The action brings him flush against you and only then does he pick up the pace. You find your hands tangling into his hair so you can pull him into a kiss. Lips and tongues move in perfect sync and you feel John’s groan more than you hear it.

One of his hands slides under you to cup the back of your head, while the other moves down to rest on your lower back. He presses your pelvises together, deepening his thrusts ever so slightly. You’re as close as two people could possibly be, but for some reason it’s not enough. You want to be closer. You wrap your legs around his waist, digging your heels into the back of his thighs to spur him on.

He gets the hint and picks up the pace yet again. His cock is hitting your g-spot every time now. His mouth moves away from yours as he bends himself back slightly, giving him access to your tits. He takes one nipple in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the nub until it hardens under his ministrations. You’re groaning constantly now. You can feel your orgasm building, steady but also somehow slow at the same time.

“John,” you gasp, making eye contact with him once more. “I’m close.”

His mouth comes back to yours and he presses you into the mattress, your body rocking with the force of his hips alone. “Me too,” he pants into your kisses.

You don’t even have a chance to touch yourself. The orgasm sneaks up on you all of a sudden, and it’s then that you succumb to the pleasure and close your eyes. You practically chant his name as you near the edge. Kissing becomes impossible as your breath practically gets stolen from you. John’s forehead rests against yours and he chants your name as well. Your real name. Somehow that makes the whole experience more erotic and you can’t help but moan.

The room shakes when you both come within seconds of each other. Anything on John’s dresser or nightstand gets thrown off and the bed rattles violently. However, you both are too far gone to pay much attention as you lose yourselves in the waves of pleasure and the flare of the magical connection that tethers you to each other.

John’s hips eventually slow to a stop. Then everything is eerily still and silent.

You open your eyes as you try to catch your breath. John’s eyes are still closed, however once he feels you look at him, he opens them. His face is so close, your breath mingles with his as his mouth hovers over yours. Your legs are still wrapped tightly around his waist, heels still digging into the back of his thighs. Your hands cling to his upper back.

His hand is still cradling the back of your head and he lets his fingers slide through your hair. As you stare at him, completely at a loss for words, his other hand comes up to push the rest of your hair back from your face, tucking it behind your ear and letting his thumb trail along your jaw.

“What was that?” you ask, breathless.

John’s expression is hard to read. “I--” Once again he can’t seems to find the right words. He’s panting just like you are, making both your chests move against each others. “...was that, bad for you?”

You shake your head wildly. “No...fuckin’...” Words are not your friends right now. “...good. That was good.”

John raises his eyebrow at you, lips pursed together in an un-amused grimace. “Thanks, bit.”

“No, shit, sorry,” you say hurriedly, pressing your forehead against his again. “It was the best. Fuckin’...god damn.”

John lets out a soft chuckle and you expect him to pull away like he normally would. But he doesn’t. He remains exactly where he is, his softening cock slowly sliding out of your trembling body. He leans down and brushes his lips against yours teasingly. You tilt your head up to complete the kiss, being as gentle as possible. You don’t know why you’re being gentle and if John minds he doesn’t say anything. In fact he matches your tenderness perfectly, arms tightening around you.

You stay that way for much longer than you normally would have been comfortable with. Kissing leisurely, hands stroking and petting. It’s almost as if you’re reassuring each other. It’s not a bad thing to make love, which you realize is exactly what just happened. You just always knew where things stood with John, sex wise at least. Emotionally, yeah you both shied away from anything serious. But sex was pretty straightforward. Purely about needing a physical release for your frustrations, anger and lust.

Until tonight.

Uh oh.

It’s almost as if John reads your mind because he draws back slightly to look at you. “This is okay, yeah?” he asks, unsure all of a sudden. It’s strange to hear your emotions coming from him, since he’s usually better than you are at holding it in.

“Sure...I mean, yeah. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Sure.” Words fail you again. John looks at you with uncertainty, and a hint of amusement as you flounder. “Just, um...new. F-For me.”

“Me as well,” John admits. “But still just as pleasurable.” He drops his mouth to his initials and sucks greedily on the skin there. You know his deflection is purely self-serving, a way to avoid the awkwardness you both find yourselves in. This time, you are incredibly grateful for it.

“Mmm, that it was,” you agree, allowing yourself to smile. “Now will you get off of me? You’re not as light as you think you are.”

“Oy!”

Giggling, you unwrap your legs from around him and shove him to the side. John moves willingly, chuckling as well as he flops onto his back. You hear him reach onto the nightstand, only to remember his cigarettes are still in his pants, on the floor. He makes a noise of annoyance and hoists himself out of bed in search of them.

You admire what you can see of him through the dim light coming from the bathroom.

When he finds what he’s looking for, he puts one in his mouth and lights the end. He’s still tired. You can feel it now that your lust is sated. You can also see it as his body sways slightly as he stands in the middle of the room. He rubs his eyes and walks slowly back to the bed. He puts his cigarette carton and lighter on the nightstand and climbs back in next to you. “So a day in bed, yeah? Resting, fucking, all that?”

You chuckle softly. “Resting at least for you,” you tell him, leaning over him. “You’re still drained. You need to recover before jumping into anything else. And we actually have that luxury now.”

“Magic doesn’t seem to be drained,” John says after taking a drag of his cigarette. “If the room shaking during our little encounter was any indication.”

“Even still,” you tell him. “Just because your magic is fine doesn’t mean you are. Your body is exhausted. You’ve been through alot in the past two days. You need to relax.”

“What are you going to do?” John asks.

“Not stay in bed with you all day,” you say pointedly. “Because we both know you won’t get any rest that way.”

“You going into town?” John asks.

“No.” You don’t like the idea of being away from him again so soon after the whole ordeal. “I’ll just be in the living room.”

You can tell John is relieved but he doesn’t say it. He takes another drag. “Good then,” he says. “At least this way if I wake up looking for a little action, you won’t be far.”

You roll your eyes. “I’m not your blowup doll, asshole,” you tell him, shoving the comforter off you so you can move to get out of bed. “I’m not just going to bend over and take it at the drop of your pants.”

John shoots you a cheeky smile as he stretches, cigarette dangling from the corner of his lips. “A man can dream, eh?” He takes the cigarette out to exhale.

You smirk and lean over him again so you can give him a kiss, swiping your tongue teasingly along his before drawing back. “Keep dreaming, baby.” He tries to pull you in for another kiss, but you slide away from him. “No, no. Nice try. Rest. Go back to sleep. You’re ready to pass out again. I can feel it.”

John pulls up the comforter around himself as you climb out of bed. “Well fine then,” he says with a pout, drowsiness getting the better of him. “If you feel like waking me with a little something, I will not complain.”

“I’ll take that into consideration,” you tell him with a laugh.

You head to the bathroom to relieve yourself and wash up a bit. Once you’re done with that, John is finished with his cigarette and is settling in to go back to sleep. You walk over to his closet and swipe a clean shirt from one of the hangers. Chas isn’t home so you don’t worry about underwear or pants.

You can feel John watching you as you slip the shirt on. “Have I ever told you,” he says, sounding vaguely drunk. “that I love seeing you in my clothes?”

You smirk as you turn around to face him, buttoning up the shirt. “No, you haven’t,” you say. “Stop talking and go to sleep.”

“You’ll be here when I wake up, yeah?” John mumbles, drawing your pillow closer as he snuggles in to do as you ordered.

“Yes, baby,” you assure him. “I will be here.” You aren’t in the mood to tease him about his sudden clinginess. You know where his sleep addled brain is coming from. He’s still trying to make sense of everything he’s been through, and after the incident a few weeks ago when you were considering leaving, he’s worried. But he doesn’t need to be. You meant what you said the night of the werewolf attack. You will stay with him.

He’s asleep even before you leave the room. You close the door behind you quietly and head to the kitchen in search of food. Thankfully the refrigerator is well stocked, so you won’t have to go out while John is recovering.

Now that he’s asleep, your head is a little clearer. You don’t dare close off the connection however, because you have a feeling he’ll wake up as soon as you do.

You try to tell yourself that his new show of affection is a direct result of the Jinn. Most of it probably is. But, not all. You noticed the slight shows of affection before this whole thing. After the werewolf incident, you two had actually been on solid ground. He now knows you want him and only him, and he had assured you the feeling was mutual. Commitment for you has never come easy. You don’t doubt it’s even harder for John to wrap his head around.

The best thing to do is take it one day at a time, just as you have been doing. It’s really the only way to go at this point.

Of course, that approach was put into place before the imaginary children, almost confessions of love, magical connection and everything else that’s happened to you in the past few months. It seems like only yesterday you were punching him in the mouth back in that alley. Good times.

You make yourself a sandwich fully intending on carrying it over to the couch and watching something on your phone. However, just as you turn away from the counter, you find yourself face-to-face with Zed.

Surprised is an understatement. You yell in shock and jump, nearly dropping your food in the process. “You almost made me drop my sandwich!” you snap. “God, warn a bitch next time you decide to pop in.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I startle you?” Zed asks in a mockingly sweet voice.

You roll your eyes and sidestep around her, making for the kitchen table. So much for lounging on the couch. If Zed’s here, she wants something. She has made herself scarce since your resurrection. If John had seen her, he didn’t say anything. Though you feel like you would have felt the waves of annoyance if he had. “What do you want, oh holy one?”

“To check on you,” Zed says following you out of the kitchen. “To see how you’re adjusting.”

“Oh really?” you ask her. “Been resurrected for about two months now and you’re just now coming to check on me?”

“Okay, look, I didn’t handle it well,” Zed agrees as you take a seat at the table. At your raised eyebrow she glares. “Which you cannot blame me for. I doubt you handled it well either.”

“Well, of course I didn’t handle it well,” you tell her. “It happened to me. I was the one ripped from heaven. You at least get to still go visit.” You try not to think about that. About how Zed can see your daughter now, even though you can’t. You pick up your sandwich and take a big bite.

The angel watches you chew for a bit before she continues the conversation. “You seem to be keeping busy,” she says, nodding her head in the direction of John’s room.

You swallow your food so you can respond. “Were you watching us?” you ask with a smirk. “Didn't take you for the peeping kind.”

“I wasn’t watching, ugh,” Zed says with a grimace. “I caught the magical tail end on my way over. You need to be careful.”

“Don’t worry, we’re protected,” you tell her with a wave of your hand.

“I’m not talking about protection for the sex itself. Though, I’m glad to hear it,” she says, coming to stand by the table. “I meant magic wise. That’s a lot of power and no outlet for it. You could hurt someone.”

You laugh. “With our sex? I’m flattered you think we’re so powerful.” You take another bite of your sandwich.

“Lola, this is serious,” Zed says.

You make a noise of annoyance as you swallow your food. “Zed, we got this,” you tell her. “We’re still trying to get a handle on this connection we have. Now, did you just come here to lecture me about my sex life or did you actually want to talk about something important?”

“You and John have been together for awhile now,” Zed says. “I know what it’s like to get swept up in John Constantine. But I want you to protect yourself Lola. John is who he is, you can’t change that.”

“Um, wasn’t trying to,” you tell her, glaring at her through narrowed eyes. “John and I are fine. More than fine actually. I know who he is and he knows who I am. Yeah, we’re committed to each other, but--”

“Whoa, whoa, time out,” Zed cuts you off. “You want to run that by me again?”

You sigh and push your plate away. Apparently eating is out of the question now. “Don’t worry about it, Zed,” you tell her. “Me and John are cool. We’re figuring it out as we go along. It’s been three years now since we met and even after everything we’ve been through, we’re still in each other’s lives. I like to think we get each other. Especially now. So, please, save the big sister lecture. I didn’t realize angels went around giving sex and relationship advice.”

“To the day,” she says.

You frown. “What?”

“Three years, to the day,” Zed says. “I figured neither of you realized it. You met him three years ago today.”

“Huh.” You do the math in your head and you realize with a start that she’s right.

“You guys should do something special,” Zed says.

“Why?”

“Because technically it’s the anniversary of when you met. You should go somewhere.”

“You should go somewhere,” you respond childishly before pulling your plate back towards you.

At this Zed actually chuckles. “You both are made for each other, you know that?”

“Okay, seriously, why are you here?” you ask, mouth full of food. “If you’re only here to bug me, well done. Mission accomplished. Now get the fuck out.”

“You know most people would think it’s a privilege standing in the presence of an angel,” Zed says, crossing her arms.

“Good for those people. Also, from what I hear you thought it was a privilege,” you tell her. “How’d that work out for you?”

Zed is clearly not impressed with your little quip. Shame, because you thought it was awesome. “You seem to be just fine,” she says, uncrossing her arms. “Have you been using your magic?”

“Not really as much as I did before. At least not outside of the amazing sexy times we’ve been having,” you tell her. You eye her warily. “Why? This is the second time you’ve mentioned it. Is there a reason why I shouldn’t use my magic?”

“There are thousands of reasons why _John_ shouldn’t use your magic,” Zed says. “You and I both know how he can be about power.”

“Okay, I’m not his fucking babysitter, I’m his partner,” you say. “Why don’t you just bring your concerns to him? Why come to me when he’s not around? Clearly you wanted to talk to me alone. Otherwise you would have poofed into the room when we were wrapped up in post coital bliss.”

Zed makes another face. “Ugh, please stop talking about having sex with John,” she says.

“Nope, I refuse,” you tell her. “You don’t like it, you can kindly fuck off.” You feel like Zed is trying to tell you something without coming right out and saying it, and that frustrates you. You’re already confused and wary from your recent excursions with John. You’re also still tired yourself from tracking John down at the Jinn’s lair. You just want a few moments of peace and quiet before the next big disaster strikes.

“I’ll leave you alone then,” Zed says. “Shame seven years of friendship means nothing anymore.”

“Shame you couldn’t tell the man grieving over me that I was resting peacefully in heaven so he could try to move on instead of ripping me from heaven,” you say. “And now you stand there and judge our relationship.”

“I’m not judging anything!” Zed says defensively. “I care about you. Both of you. And you both keep tripping over each other on your way to save the other. One day, he is going to do something stupid. Something you can’t predict or stop. He can’t help it. It’s in his nature. And he’s going to have to suffer the consequences. Not you, him. Alone.”

“He’s been alone long enough,” you tell her with a glare. “And as long as I’m still tethered to that snarky, twistedly amazing bastard, you can bet your ass I will be right there besides him. We’ll deal with the consequences together.”

Zed tilts her head to the side as she studies you. “Love really is blind, isn’t it?”

“You would know,” you tell her. “You loved him too once.”

She doesn’t argue with you. “Watch yourself, please,” she says and then she’s gone, in the blink of an eye.

You’re not hungry anymore. You leave the table and your half-eaten sandwich. You head over to the couch in front of the fireplace and collapse onto it with a huff. Stupid Zed and her stupid angel-ness. Yes, you two had built up a friendship while you had been in heaven. But that doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven her for her role in your death and subsequent resurrection. For someone who preaches free will and not getting involved, she certainly sticks her nose in your business a lot.

John finds you on the couch about forty-five minutes later, still stewing.

“So much for sleep,” he says grumpily as he walks into the room. He’s completely naked and smoking a cigarette. “Why are we restless?”

“Stupid angels,” you tell him, craning your neck back over the armrest to look at him. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“S’no problem, pet,” John says, taking the cigarette out of his mouth to yawn. “Bloody starving again anyways. Gonna finish that sandwich?”

“Have it. It’s been sitting there for awhile though,” you say, with a wave of your hand. You lift your head again so you can watch John walk over to the table and grab your abandoned plate.

“No sense in letting it go to waste,” he declares. He comes over to sit on the end of the couch by your feet. Once he does, he puts his cigarette on the empty space next to his sandwich before settling into the sofa. “Come then. What did the old seer-turned-angel say that has your panties in a bunch?” He glances between your slightly spread legs and smirks. “Metaphorically of course.”

“Did you know we met three years ago today?” you ask him.

John’s just about to take a bite of the sandwich, but pauses to look at you. “Oh,” he says.

You frown at his reaction, mainly because you’re not sure why he’s suddenly very nervous and uncertain.

“Do you...I mean,” John tries to find the right words. A trend you both seem to be having trouble breaking recently. “Do you want to do something about it?”

“Like what?” you ask bewildered.

John shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe go somewhere…”

“Like a date? Wait...do you want to go out on a date?” you ask, eyebrow raised. The notion of going on an actual date with John Constantine is so outlandish it almost makes you laugh. You would have to, if he didn’t look so uncomfortable with the entire thing.

For some reason your surprise makes him feel relieved and he’s quick to avoid your gaze now. “Forget I said anything.”

“Can do.”

Great, now things are awkward. You don’t want them to be awkward. John finishes the leftover sandwich and leans back against the couch. After a moment, he pulls the blanket on the couch down to cover his naked lower half.

You both avoid looking at each other until you scoff. “Okay, this is ridiculous,” you eventually say. “I wasn’t mentioning it because I wanted to make a big show about it. It was something Zed brought up that I hadn’t realized. Can we please stop this awkward silence? You and I don’t do awkward silences. We do witty sexual banter.”

John chuckles at your agitation, which only fuels it more. “Unfortunately, love, I don’t think we can avoid awkwardness. Not with everything that’s happened in the past two days.”

“Yes we can,” you counter. “We’ll just pretend like things aren’t awkward or different. Fake it ‘till you make it.”

John sighs and turns his head to look at you. “You know as well as I do, no amount of pretending will change the fact that things are different,” he says. “We’re different. Whatever this is,” he waves his hand between the two of you. “it’s different now. And we both know it.”

You sigh heavily. There goes the denial you were hoping to throw yourself into. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” you mutter. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“I know you do,” John smirks.

“Alright then, no pretending,” you say. “Then what do we do now?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” John says. “What we did earlier...that was...not what we usually do. I am more than okay with that. But I can tell you’re not.”

“I am,” you insist, sitting up so you can rest your arms on your knees. “Look, jumping into emotional relationships has never been easy for me. Even with Nyla it took me some time. And look how that turned out. After that whole incident, I figured I should just kind of give up on that whole part of life. You know? Three years ago I never would have guessed I would be sitting on this couch with you again. In front of the same fireplace. I already told you in the shower how I feel.”

John gives you a look, but doesn’t voice the fact that you didn’t actually say the words.

“But I’m not jumping into this thing not knowing whether you actually feel the same way towards me, or if you’re just drawn to me more now because of the Jinn’s hallucination. If I jump, I want to know you’ll catch me, not pull your arms away the second you realize it’s not what you really want.”

John’s not looking at you anymore. He’s looking at the mirror intently. You glance at it and realize why. It’s showing the both of you. From the night you killed Nyla. The night you walked away from John.

You both are sitting on the floor, side-by-side. It’s strange to see that version of yourselves right in front of the current versions. You both look so young, and yet so terribly haunted. Shoulders hunched, eyes hollow, bodies slightly turned away from each other.

It’s a stark difference from your current selves. John sits with his arm on the backrest of the couch, his whole body turned towards yours openly. You both look healthier, with less deadness to your eyes. You’re definitely more relaxed and content than you were back then.

John must notice the difference as well because when he looks at you again, he smirks. “Changed a bit, haven’t we?”

You give a soft chuckle. “In some ways, yeah.”

John sighs and rubs the back of his neck with his hand. “Lola,” he says. “Jinn or no Jinn, I want to be with you. That hasn’t changed. That wasn’t something the Jinn implanted. You know that. Earlier when I said I didn’t know if what I saw was what I wanted, I was referring to the children. I was never on the fence about you. My feelings...those haven’t changed. I was feeling this way before the Jinn. I just held it back from you as best as I could.”

Your breath catches in your throat. You find yourself holding it in. You never considered the fact that the love you felt from John was something he was trying to keep from you. Which means, what you feel coming from him now is everything he was holding back before. Everything he’s not bothering to contain any longer.

“So,” John says hesitantly. “If you want to jump, you don’t need to be afraid of me not catching you.”

It’s a regular smorgasbord of emotions between the both of you. Anxiety, trepidation, disbelief, self-doubt...hope.

“Okay,” you say after a moment.

John’s face splits into a wide smile and he gives you a nod of agreement. “Okay.”

You slide across the couch towards him and drape your arm around his waist. He lets his own drop down from the backrest and pulls you in close as he adjusts the blanket to cover both of you. You don’t say anything else after that. John closes his eyes as he nuzzles his face into your hair and after about ten minutes, he dozes off. Once again, you find yourself still awake while he sleeps.

You’re worried of course. About numerous things. Getting hurt being the main one.

As you watch your mirror self for some time, you know you’ll never be able to get rid of that fear. In a lot of ways you’re different from the woman you were three years ago. But if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed about you it’s your determination.

And besides. When has fear ever stopped you before?

**Author's Note:**

> For news and teasers, follow me on tumblr: ladyfogg.tumblr.com
> 
> For John Constantine screencaps, follow my sideblog: johnconstantinescreencaps.tumblr.com


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